The Beautiful Messes

She told me while she did actually get her time to think in the shower she was feeling overwhelmed by all of the mess in her house created by the two small children. She said she felt like she was an organized person and that she felt like she had a pretty good organization system to their toys, but the mess and chaos of it all was getting to her today. In her words she said “ I know one day I will have a clean house and I won’t  trip over a toy and one day I won’t hear my daughter screaming at my son and I know I’m going to miss these days then, but man do I feel overwhelmed by them right now.” It made me think why did she feel this way? She is never a person who you feel like you have to have all of your stuff together to be around, in fact you feel the opposite. When you walk into her house you feel welcomed and loved and I have never once thought, man she needs to pick up her kids toys. In fact I have always felt a sigh of relief knowing her house has toys on the floor and broken crayons with half finished drawings on the table. But you know what I didn’t tell her this in that moment and I really think I should have. I think as fellow moms we should stop putting the pressure on ourselves and putting that same pressure on our friends to have a “perfect and spotless“ house. First of all it is not possible and secondly it is setting us all up for failure and feelings of inadequacy.

Shortly after I got married I attended this group through my church called Apples of Gold. Looking back it is still one of my favorite things I have done as a newly married woman. It combined most of my favorite things, cooking, hosting and fellowship. The way it worked was older married women in the church hosted 10-15 newly married women in their homes. Each woman had a cooking lesson, a bible study and then we ate dinner together. I will never forget what one of the ladies told us about hosting during the week we learned about hospitality. She said “Hosting someone in your home should be a sensory experience. They should smell something great, see something beautiful, hear pretty sounds, taste great food, but most importantly they should feel comfortable in your presence and in your home.” I think sometimes as women we think too much about how people might see us or what food we prepare for the shower we’re hosting. I am very guilty of this. I love a good theme. I love hosting people in our home for anything from play dates to baby showers and dinner parties and everything in between, but man am I probably the most guilty about making sure all of the flowers are beautiful, the food is perfect, the music is just right for the people there and that when they walk in they smell something delicious. Now I do think all of those things are important when hosting something and ultimately helps lead people to feel welcome in your home. I’m sure we have all felt the pressure to make something from scratch when it would be easier to pick it up from a grocery store or spent way too long searching Pinterest for the perfect recipe only for it to fail and look NOTHING like the picture. I promise you no one will know or care that you didn’t make that Bundt cake or chicken salad sandwich or whatever you have picked up from Trader Joe’s and put on a fancy serving platter and attempted to make look homemade. Oh, wait this is just me! Instead of focusing our energy on this things we really should be focusing on is how we make people feel.

I am by no means saying we should don’t need to have food available or be slobs and never clean up or teach our kids that they don’t need to be putting their stuff away either, but rather normalize the mess that kids make when they are playing. Kids should play and make messes, it is part of how they learn and if they didn’t do these things what is the point of having all of the toys? Normalize that when you walk into someone else’s home and there are toys and messes, tell that mom thanks for not picking up the mess and how it makes you feel like you are not alone in this mom world. Tell that mom thank you for making you feel welcome into her home and not feeling like she needed to be perfect for you. Tell that mom she’s doing a great job today because you might be the first person to tell her that. Motherhood is an unpaid, thankless job, we don’t get paid or get tips even though we should. It is 365 days a year, 24 hours a day and 7 days a week, with no vacation and our “bosses” are relentless. I would like to think we don’t get reviewed, but I can assure you my children will be the first to tell me when I am doing something wrong. I can also assure you that we are being reviewed by the public by how are children act because they are a direct reflection of us. You know we get paid eventually it’s just not monetary, its better. It’s in the hugs, snuggles, the “I love you momma”, the kindness they show others when you have told them repeatedly to be kind. The payment is in their smile when you are cheering them on at something they have worked hard to achieve. The ultimate reward is when you watch them show kindness to someone else after years of teaching them that kindness matters above all other things.

Actual picture of my current “mess”.